This Monday morning, I’m sitting at the cushioned booth in my apartment’s lobby. I like to get my schoolwork done here; most days, I’ll spend hours toying away at my computer. I don’t have much space to do my work in my current apartment. However, I wouldn’t be too successful there anyway, considering how needy my dogs are. If I’m not paying close attention to my dachshund, Bubbles, then she won’t stop barking. I love her to death, but she’s not a good study buddy.
I’m currently trying my best not to think about all the items on my to-do list that are coming up this week. There’s grocery shopping, homework, and appointments. I have the entire month of September scheduled out in my planner; now the trick is actually referring to it every day. I’m not always the best at staying on top of appointments, so I’m heavily relying on this method of scheduling to work. Not all of my to-do items are burdensome; for instance, I’m scheduled to attend the introductory meeting for my new internship on Tuesday. All the new interns from across the company will be attending, and I’m excited to make connections right from the start! During the interview process, I was told that the internship would involve team projects and mentorship. I’m eager to work hard and prove myself as a formidable force.
Not too long ago, I never thought I could go back to school full-time, or have an internship, or do much beyond hanging out at home alone all day. For three years, my mental health had plagued my brain and overrun my life. Due to my sickness and the subsequent medications, my brain was so foggy that I couldn’t see or walk straight. I had such a hard time fulfilling basic human functions, not to mention the struggle it took to look to the future and work toward my goals. I recognize that most twenty-something year olds don’t have a plan for the future either, but I hardly had a plan for what I was going to do in the next hour. Quite literally, I was living in a haze.
Something happened this summer, though, the fog in my brain eased, and I’ve been able to make plans for my future. I’m not sure if it’s due to the right combination of medication or perhaps the good weather, but I’ve finally found a sense of self that I have been missing for a long time. I’ve been able to return to school, reflect on my long-term career, and work on interpersonal relationships that had previously fallen by the wayside. My mental health isn’t perfect, and I’m nervous it will become bad again when the weather gets darker and colder, but for now, I’m enjoying the freedom that good health allows for.
Given my new health, my husband and I have been planning our next step. Throughout the last several months, we’ve been developing a plan to move out of the country, hopefully this spring. We’ve mapped out some of the cities we’re interested in living in. We’ve also worked on grad school applications, as we’ll need to enter these countries on student visas. Just last week, we visited Ottawa, Ontario, a potential city we could move to. There are a few reasons we’re interested in moving. There are financial considerations; the places we’re looking for are cheaper to live in. We’d also love a new adventure, but most of all, we’re concerned about the direction the United States is heading.
I love my country, with its diverse array of cultures, engaging holidays, and the small-town feel I grew up with in New England. I grew up watching the fireworks every Fourth of July and eating hot dogs and burgers while wearing red, white, and blue. I even had my first kiss beneath the fireworks at sleepaway camp when I was a teenager. Unfortunately, as I’ve grown older, I’ve come to realize that our country is not a land of freedom for everyone. From incarcerated citizens to the disabled, to the unhoused, and undocumented migrants, the United States is not a land of equal opportunity, and now, with our current politics, I can’t stand to be a part of it any longer.
I’m excited to move, but I’m also overwhelmingly nervous. The U.S. is the only home I know; it will be a huge change to move to an entirely different country, even if it is just our neighbor to the north, Canada. I’ve been struggling to wrap my head around the fact that this move isn’t a burden forced upon me, but an opportunity to experience a new culture and make new memories. I have to keep telling myself that I will find my place once all the dust of the move officially settles, but what if things never settle? What if I’m always in a tornado, flying around like Dorothy, but for me, it never ends.
Currently, I have many plans, but those plans will come to an end when I move in the spring. I’m not sure what this move is going to look like for me, where I’m going to live, what I’ll do for work, or if I’ll even make any friends. I had lived in the unknown for years now due to my mental health, but it meant I lived in a constant state of anxiety. I prioritize knowing what’s next, even if it means ruining a TV show for myself, but I need to know so that I can establish structure and give myself time to process. I hope that as spring approaches and the move draws near, my future will begin to come into focus. Due to visa applications and school applications, the move isn’t 100% certain, but I’ll keep you updated as things unfold.
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